10 MYTHS OF PARENTING
CARL IVEY, MD
  Campbell River BC, Canada

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. could well have been referring to child-rearing when he said, "There is nothing in all the world more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. We have a moral obligation to know the truth." I am personally convinced beyond any doubt that more myths, untruths, misinformation and ignorance surround child-rearing and discipline than any other subject. The main reason for this confusion is the widely held belief that discipline and punishment are one and the same. Nothing could be further from the truth. However, before proceeding any further, let me share with you ten of the most widespread myths and untruths I have encountered during my 30 years of practicing pediatrics.
Copyright © 2006, Carl Ivey, MD, All Rights Reserved.
MYTH #1:  Parenting is the most difficult job in the world.

FACT: Parenting is like riding a bicycle or making an omelette- it's only difficult if you do not know how to do it.

MYTH #2:  We do not receive any instruction manuals on how to parent.

FACT: We all had a childhood of one kind or another and experienced some kind of parenting. We were taught how to parent by the way in which we were parented.

MYTH #3:  You can't discipline without punishment.

FACT: Healthy discipline and punishment are two different things. Punishment creates feelings of insecurity, anger, resentment and fear.  Healthy discipline promotes feelings of confidence, security, responsibility, and love.

MYTH #4:  You can spoil kids with too much love.

FACT: The problem is that the majority of people alive on our planet grew up with too little love.  At the root of most emotional illness is low self-worth directly related to a lack of self love.

MYTH #5:  You can't be your child's parent and your child's friend.

FACT: The truly effective parent is a teacher, coach, mentor, role-model, and friend to his/her children.  This friendship in no way detracts from the parent's legal responsibility and moral obligation to correct, set limits, and at times say "no."

MYTH #6:   It's so easy to psychologically damage kids that you have to be perfect in order to raise emotionally healthy, high-achieving and drug-free kids.

FACT: All children have a tremendous amount of emotional resilience and hardiness. "Perfect" parents are dangerous to their kids since to be human is to be imperfect. "Perfect" parents are in effect dishonest and not real and healthy parenting requires honest parents who are real.

MYTH #7: Parents own their children and have the right to raise them any way they see fit.

FACT: We do not own our children. They are gifts loaned to us for a relatively brief period of time. In addition, as parents, we do not have the right to raise our kids in such ways that they will grow up and threaten the freedom and safety of others.

MYTH #8:  If your children don't fear you, they won't respect you.

FACT: Like punishment and discipline, fear and respect are often confused but in actuality are two totally different things. Respect, trust, intimacy and clear, honest communcation are essential parts of all healthy relationships. Fear, whether of being criticized, punished or rejected, interferes with the development of respect, trust, intimacy and clear, honest communication.   

MYTH #9:  It really makes no difference how you raise your kids--if they use drugs as teenagers, it's because they choose to do so.

FACT: This is an attempt on the part of all too many parents to avoid accepting the responsibility for the outcomes of their parenting. Emotionally wounded teens and adults do indeed make choices, but unfortunately tend to choose self-destructive behaviors rather than growth promoting and life affirming behaviors.

MYTH #10:  Big boys don't cry--you're a sissy if you cry.

FACT: This is perhaps the most destructive myth of all, particularly as related to the emotional wounding of boys and men. The process whereby boys and men are forced to shut down their emotions, deny their feelings and fears and become "macho" has, for centuries, had disastrous effects on our society, male/female relationships, and parenting. Truly confident and emotionally mature and secure boys and men can show feelings, admit fears, be vulnerable, and give themselves permission to cry.

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